Aug 6, 2011

does our past define us?

Isn't it interesting how our past weaves itself into our dreams, threatening to bubble up, but it never quite resurfaces until you subconscious allows it to? My dreams have always had similar themes. I dream a lot about my underlining fears, fears that I believe I have overcome or at least come to terms with, but underneath it all in my subconscious they always manage to come alive in my sleep. I wish had control over my dreams!

I rarely have nightmares, and when I do, it is hard to shake them. I've always been a very visual and emotional person. Watching a film like Schindler's List stays with me for weeks, to the point where sadness tries to overcome me. Over the years I've learned what I can handle to watch and what I can't. I used to "try" to handle psychological or gut wrenching movies that shake me to the core, but when it effects how I treat others or how I handle emotions I had to put on the breaks and know when to say no. Now a lot of the times I simply have to tell someone that "I can't watch this movie, because it effects me too much." I'm not ashamed to be honest, because I'd rather protect my emotions and what they can become than to be unwise and have something disturb me.
My emotions have always been my blessing and my curse. I've had to learn how to master them in a sense. I've learned how to control my emotions and not let them control me. It's not easy, believe me. Instead of commenting or saying something I don't mean after my initial reaction to a maddening situation, I've learned to ask myself questions. Is this really going to help the situation, I ask? No, I reason with myself. So instead I back away or take a deep breath. I come back to the situation or topic later (if the person allows me to) when I'm more level headed. On the other hand, my emotions are my blessing because it makes me caring, intuitive, and insightful. So I've vowed instead of making something more of a curse, I'm learning to use my emotions for the better.
But back to dreams, my emotional happenings in my past seem to always linger in my current dreams. Two of my main reoccurring and might I add uninvited dreams are about an unrequited love (aka crush that I had) all through Grade School and High School. I liked this guy for 5 years too long. The second are the feelings and dreams of of being left out and alone either with past friends or non-existent friends in a school like setting. During High School I struggled with rejection a lot. I never quite felt like I could be me. Well, let me rephrase. I was me, but I didn't feel accepted for it. I think that defined a lot of what happened to me in my future and how I reacted to friendships that I didn't feel were quite right. Thankfully now I am confident in who I am and have found friends who love me for me.

Also - the unrequited love seemed to be programmed inside of me, I believe it's my subconscious wondering why I never took the leap and told this boy that we had this chemistry that couldn't be denied. By the way, I'm not trying to be Freud here but I do think there are underlining thoughts and emotions within us that do effect our dreams. In regards to the unrequited love story, now I would call it more of teenage lust than anything if I were to be honest. I admit I was in love with love. Aren't we all when we are  teenagers growing up?
Ironically years later our moms conversed and the boy's mom told my mom that she had secretly hoped that we would end up together. But it never happened because my Junior year in High School I started dating my past boyfriend of 5 years and ironically he started dating what would be his girlfriend of 5 years. Now he's single (according to Facebook, lol) and she's pregnant with a new boyfriend's baby. It's always interesting how everything pans out. Hopefully they never read this blog or my secret's out, lol. Oh and I'm not cyber stocking, I check out past High School friends' profiles from time to time. Come on, I'm sure you are guilty of this too, lol. ;)

I have no regrets, but part of me does sometimes wonder, simply out of curiosity what would have happened had I told him how I felt. I don't think we would have ever worked out, but perhaps I would have had another High School romance? I believe that is why my subconscious dreams taunt me, dreams in my head playing moments of our would have been memories. It's funny though because I'm head over heels in love with BK and couldn't care less about this past crush. But my past always manages to try to creep in my dreams. You would think that I would dream more about my ex - but perhaps because I feel like I made the right decisions and closed that door on that relationship my subconscious considers that part of my life more resolved. I'll never really know, but I always find it intriguing.

In relation to my inner fears about being alone and being rejected, I refute that with knowing that God will never abandon me. I know he won't too and without a shadow of doubt if I ever should get old and grey without my husband at my side (God forbid,) I know that everything will be alright. However, human nature and insecurities always try to inch their way into my thoughts, making me fear the worst.

Whenever I do have those lovely dreams of the present or the future, I soak them up for all they are worth. Those dreams are when BK and I are at the ocean of our dreams, with our children in the future, or looking up at the stars. I love those dreams. I try my best to ignore those dreams of the past, because I'd honestly like to keep parts of my past safely locked up, tight in a box.
However - that box always threatens to spill over into my dreams, which makes me wonder:

Does our past define us or do we define our past?

{I personally think it's a little bit of both but I'd love to hear your thoughts on dreams.}

P.S. Congratulations to Heather from Mrs. Southern Bride for winning the UPrinting giveaway! Thanks to everyone who entered! 


  1. Girl you and I are so similar in this way! I cannot watch certain movies - I really do have nightmares when I've watched something I shouldn't - I hate that feeling! I am definitely careful of the things I watch! :0)

  2. I agree with you. I think it is a little bit of both. Great thought provoking post! :) Hope you are having a great weekend!

  3. Dearest Ocean Dreamer, I love this post. Very honest and true. I think our past defines us to a point, making us who we are, but we can define our past, making IT what we want as well! Hope those nightmares evaporate for ya! xox!

  4. I love everything about this post. I'm very similar. I dream of a past love often and the dreams always stay with me for days.

  5. I would agree, I think it's probably a little bit of both.

  6. I think it's a little of both!
    Your blog is so inspiring. You always give me something ot think about. Thank You!


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